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Parents Behaving Badly

10 Ways to Screw Your Kids Up for Life

by admin on October 11th, 2006

Armor of God PJsI’m sure that there are thousands of uneducated parents out there wondering to themselves, “What can I do to guarantee that my kid will spend half of her life on a psychiatrist’s couch?” Forget about the extreme cases of child sexual abuse, assault, or murder for the moment; we’re talking Evelyn Waugh-type tragic here, not Dickensian tragic. Any garden-variety bastard can murder his kids. But inflicting lifelong psychosis? That’s a skill, yo.

Never fear, future bad parents of America - The Zero Boss is here! I’ve culled the PBB archives, and come up with 10 devilish ways you can inflict maximum emotional damage on your kids. While I’ve pulled a few stories from deep in the archives, most of these tactics have been used by your fellow parents sometime in the past three months. Hey, I’m not gonna try and force a bunch of outdated tips on you. What kind of monster do you think I am?!

10. Abandon her at the airport with your pot-smoking same-sex “roommate”. You get double points for this if your daughter is legally blind.

9. Inject them with infected blood. Any Munchausen-addled mom can pour Lysol in her kids’ soup. But infected blood? Fucking brilliant. You, my dear woman, are the Stravinsky of abusive mothers. Mark my words: blood poisoning is the new black.

8. Sell them for money. But don’t be stupid like this mom, and do it when the child’s too young to remember that you traded her for two large. I mean, where’s the fun in THAT?!

7. Marry them. Have your children already left the nest? Want to deepen their existing psychological problems further? Play the Oedipus card!

6. Make them go to bed dressed as warriors for God. You gotta get to your kids early, before the secularlists manage to fill their heads with crap like reason and science.

5. Kidnap them. Hey, all the cool parents are doing it! Don’t miss the boat on this hot new trend in post-childhood child abuse. (Triple points if you combine this with number 3 below, like these trend-setters did.)

4. Take them on drug runs. What father doesn’t need his own cheering section when he’s attempting to outrun the police? This tactic is sure to leave your children with many happy family memories from now until the day they die. (”Hey, you remember the time those cops pumped dad full of juice?”)

3. Force them to abort their babies. Nothing says “I love you, baby” like pouring turpentine down your daughter’s throat.

2. Raise them to hate the Jews. That’s what the world needs: more anti-Semitism. All this little girl needs now is a set of infidel-slaying pajamas, and she’ll be ready to detonate herself for Christ Mohammed!

1. Be Victoria and David Beckham. A guaranteed way to ensure that trauma becomes the inseparable fabric of your child’s first 18 years on Earth.

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30 opinions for 10 Ways to Screw Your Kids Up for Life

  • Screwing Up Your Kids: A Field Guide - from The Zero Boss by Jay Andrew Allen
    Oct 11, 2006 at 11:19 am

    [...] Over on Parents Behaving Badly, I examine the 10 ways you can screw your kids up for life - without actually killing them. [...]

  • Christina
    Oct 11, 2006 at 11:48 am

    You make me feel like an A #1 Supermom - I am pretty sure I am on the right track. Thanks! LOL ;)

  • Zillinois
    Oct 11, 2006 at 1:23 pm

    Unbeweevable…

    …

  • Cynthia Bostwick
    Oct 11, 2006 at 6:45 pm

    Oh you are fabulous. I am sending this to my sisters immediately, so that we may really celebrate what WE call our bad parenting moments—nada on your scale. Awesome, dudes.

    love and ksises,
    Occasionally Bad Mother Cindy

  • Thrifty Mommy » The Top 10 list to beat all Top 10 lists!
    Oct 11, 2006 at 6:58 pm

    [...] Jay at Parents Behaving Badly (I just love that name) has an interesting top 10 ways to screw up your kids for life. What a unique way to do a top 10. Note of warning - Jay has a colorful way of putting things and this one is for adults only! Sorry kids. [...]

  • Matt
    Oct 12, 2006 at 9:40 am

    Brilliant.

  • Robyn Tippins
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:39 am

    I agree with all except the christian pjs. What’s wrong with that? I wore wonderwoman pjs and I looked GR8T! …as a kid, I need to add that part.

    If it were organically made and sported a devilishy original darwin spin on the christian fish would secular writers think it was the HEIGHT of hilarity then? oh rofl.

    Me thinks this is a tad OVERBOARD to group the christian PJs in with forced abortion, murder, incest and antisemitism. But, it’s America and that’s how Christian’s are normally treated here, so whatever…

  • The Zero Boss
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:41 am

    Robyn,

    Read the woman’s Web site. IMO, forcing that degree of belief in a fairy tale on children is obscene. It’s indicative of a household that uses indoctrination more than logic and reason.

    Sure, you went to sleep in Wonder Woman PJs. But did your parents ever preach to you that you needed to believe that everthing in the WW comics was the literal truth, or you were going to Hell?

    Keep in mind that I’m a secular Buddhist, so obviously you and I aren’t going to see eye to eye. :)

  • Robyn Tippins
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:45 am

    Agreed that forcing is wrong, but encouraging? I don’t know any parent that doesn’t hope their kids one day join them in faith.

    I’ll read the lady’s web site (and I agree the costumes are atrocious), but doesn’t at all seem even similar in nature to the rest of the list. Hardly A Way To Screw Your Kid Up For Life.

    We’ll agree to disagree on that one :)

  • The Zero Boss
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:47 am

    The PJs themselves? No. But for many of us, it’s indicative of a mindset that places blind faith above following one’s own mind and heart.

    Thanks for the debate. :)

  • Robyn Tippins
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:48 am

    OK, just glanced over the site. Other than our differing religious viewpoints (ie how we’ll end), what’s wrong with it?

  • The Zero Boss
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:49 am

    It’s waaaay over the top. But not being a Christian, and believing most of the Bible to be silly, I probably perceive it different than you do.

  • Robyn Tippins
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:51 am

    I’d say blind faith is indicative of following the heart. Also, are there no other examples of other faith’s that might encourage blind faith and therefore screw up their kids?

    Glad this isn’t heated (I hate those debates!) I kinda like thougthful exchange.

  • Robyn Tippins
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:53 am

    The site is certainly designed with Christians in mind. (and it’s 1998-ish in design too) I daresay most faith’s have something similar. But I do understand that it’s much more acceptable to slam christians. And, there’s more of us so it’s easier.

  • The Zero Boss
    Oct 12, 2006 at 10:59 am

    “Blind faith” is just that: blind. The mind has to keep the heart in check. Without it, people grow up believing crap like the US is a “Christian nation” and that homos are going to Hell because it’s “God’s will”. As a bisexual man who grew up in rural New York, I had the imprint of such “blind faith” left all too clearly on my life.

    It’s not that it’s more “acceptable” to slam Christians, Robyn. With all due respect, that’s whiny liberal I’m-the-victim crap. Christians are still a majority in this country - as you can tell by the wave of amendments that have been passed banning same-sex marriage.

    Your contention that I’m singling out Christians is demonstrably false. Look in the past few weeks of my coverage. I’ve also covered the story of a three-year-old Muslim girl indoctrinated to hate the Jews. Send me tips of such things from other faiths, and I’ll gladly follow them.

  • Robyn Tippins
    Oct 12, 2006 at 11:11 am

    Sorry for your early days dealing with homosexuality. (I really am) Jerks are jerks, whether they claim Christ or Buddha.

    Please don’t let it color your dealings with Christians. All faiths have Sheeple (sheep+people who do whatever they are told). But because there are lots of ‘christians’ who don’t even claim a relationship with Jesus but insist ‘I go to church’ they end up just doing what leaders do and NOT following their heart.

    I truly can tell you that try my level best to love everyone, even people I don’t like, because to do any less would be as great a sin as murder, according to the Bible (which I :gasp: actually believe).

    And, even though you accused me of ‘whiny liberal I’m the victim crap’, I’m here to tell you that comparing one woman’s attempt to sell christian themed (albeit ugly) dressup to indoctrination of antisemitism and murder is baseless at best. And, you kinda sound like a victim early in that last comment.

    I didn’t look at any other coverage from your blog. It’s my first visit. I’ll subscribe and do so over the coming months and let you know what I think via the comments. Thank you for allowing them, even though you don’t agree. Comment censorship is becoming alarmingly common on the blogosphere.

  • The Zero Boss
    Oct 12, 2006 at 11:17 am

    You’re right, Robyn. I’ve met my fair share of asshat Buddhists. There may be even more of them on a pro-rated basis than asshat Christians. Zen Buddhists in particular are constantly hand-wringing over their enlightened masters such as the eminent Suzuki Roshi, who despite all his “enlightement” was a firm supporter of Japanese imperialism during WWII.

    I think Christianity can be a very loving, actualizing faith. I have many Christian readers at Zero Boss who love getting into bitchsmack fests with me when I go too far. :) It’s literalist, die-hard Christianity - actually, literalist, die-hard ANY religion - that scares me.

    As for censorship, I don’t think I’ve removed a single comment in the past three months. I sometimes shut down comment threads, but even that’s rare. Seems stupid and pointless to me. Why should we hide from one another’s opinions?

  • Robyn Tippins
    Oct 12, 2006 at 11:40 am

    agreed. thanks and I’ll keep reading, if only to argue LOL

  • The Zero Boss
    Oct 12, 2006 at 1:33 pm

    Just FYI: Another thing that horrified me about the pajamas is that they’re inherently war-like - like the person’s about to send their children off to kill the unbelievers. It’s too reminiscent of the Crusades.

    Okay, now that THAT dead horse is beaten…:)

  • Robyn Tippins
    Oct 12, 2006 at 2:22 pm

    Now your anti-murderers too? Egads! ;)

  • kellys
    Oct 14, 2006 at 7:32 am

    I know I am getting into this conversation a little too late but the whole blind faith thing gets me a little. I am a Chrisitan for multiple reasons. One of which is that my faith is proven on a daily basis.
    As for the pj’s. I wore not only WW but also Daisy Duke and look how I turned out :wink:

  • The Zero Boss
    Oct 14, 2006 at 8:26 am

    Kelly, I’d recommend reading Karl Popper. The kind of proof where every fact in existence “proves” you right is not proof at all. It’s a kind of logical tautology that’s abused by other pseudo-rational systems, such as Marxism and some forms of psychology.

    And as an unbeliever, I can’t help giggling that you guys keep comparing Christianity to fictional characters. ;-)

  • sparkles1
    Nov 21, 2006 at 4:02 am

    I feel sorry for you and think you have mental problems to write something like this. Why don’t you seek help?

  • The Zero Boss
    Nov 21, 2006 at 8:42 am

    The doctors wouldn’t have me, sparkles. I guess no one’s up for the challenge.

  • pamela
    Nov 26, 2006 at 4:33 am

    my parents werent right to begin with! my dad worked at the race track and my mom poped pop corn in a drive in movie! she was 18 and he was 22. mom was one of 13. dad was baby of 2 older brothers. they got married 1962, my bother was born 1963, i was born 1964 and they hated each other and was devorce 1965.they both landed in jail off and on all my life. grandma hattie saved the day. she was there every day….rain, shine,cold or hot.church every sun,wed, preying meeting at the pasters house every one their best

  • pamela
    Nov 26, 2006 at 4:34 am

    any way……im screw up cause my parents are!

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  • livingroom furniture
    Jun 14, 2007 at 7:41 am

    I’m bipolar & have never left my children anywhere with any morons. So, don’t digraced the mentally ill. This was a selfish, self absorbed, ass. Who put himself before his child. It has nothing to do with mental illness & it’s wrong & ignorant to say that.

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